Liquid Wisdom

In today's digital world of high-speed hookups, cyber cafes and video on demand, we spend our lives connected to the Web, roaming the global village for answers. But if you're looking for easy solutions to life's tough problems, sometimes the best thing to do is to ask a drunk. So put down the laptop, pull up a barstool and take a few shots of knowledge.

HEY, DAVE. ARE AMERICANS TOO FAT?

With Thanksgiving approaching, many government health officials say Americans are becoming obese in alarming numbers. No shit. Yes, we are fat. But is that really a problem? I, for one, am proud to live in a country where you can eat as much as posslble and no one goes hungry unless you're a contestant on America's Next Top Model.

Instead of being ashamed, hold our double-chinned heads high and scream, "We are the fattest people on earth!" Think about it. Americans are plagued with diseases that other countries only dream of: Hardening of the arteries, high blood pressure, diabetes...the list goes on and on. When IS Bono gonna have a concert for that? Can you imagine the look on some poor Third World villager's face when I walk into his hut asking for money to wipe out our diseases? "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. No Clean Water to Drink, I'm Dave Attell, and I need money to wipe out type 2 diabetes." Villager: "Diabetes? What's that? How do you get this disease? Were you bitten by a monkey?" Me: "No, you get diabetes when you eat and drink a lot of sugar." Villager: "Sugar? What's that?" See how lucky we are? These people have never tasted sugar. God bless America, I say.

WHAT ABOUT OBESE TEENS?

They're talking about schools weighing kids and putting it on their report cards to let their parents know if they have a weight problem. Isn't that a job for the other students? I mean, if you're overweight, they will give you subtle hints, like purple nerples, wedgies and nicknames like Free Willy or SweetTits. Hey, let's look on the bright side: When I was in high school, I was the only fat kid. My only friends were a couple of Star Wars figurines and a tube of modeling glue. Now that all kids are fat, everyone will get to go to the prom. Speaking of which, I can't believe teens are still getting pregnant - back when I was a kid, we had a thing called blow jobs. I guess they think it looks glamorous on Montel. I mean, who doesn't want to stand up and scream, "You my baby's daddy!" But I believe the real problem is that contraception is not taught enough in schools. If I ran the schools, l would hand out condoms and let the kids know that if you're about to make love, you should use a condom. And if it feels really good, it's broken.

DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST THOUGHTS?

Being fat is really about your diet. The two things they say you should eat are chicken and fish. If you want to be really healthy, combine the two: Eat a penguin. Enough typing. I gotta take a piss. See you next time.