Liquid Wisdom

Happy New Year! Yeah, I know: Who gives a shit? I've been there. You wake up New Year's Day, your head is buzzing, you're covered in confetti, and you're hopping around your apartment trying to find a pair of pliers to pull a kazoo out of your ass. The party is over; it's time to get down to business. You've got some New Year's resolutions to keep.

You swore that this would be the year you'd quit smoking, drinking, watching porn, cock fighting, blah blah blah, the list goes on and on. Well, before you slap on that patch and put down the rooster, hear me out. Look, we all say things we don't mean when we're drunk, like, "I'll pay you back tomorrow" or "I love you. Marry me." So don't feel bad if you're reading this with a butt in one hand and a Philly cheesesteak in the other. I am. Luckily, I can type with my feet.

Yes, I know what you're thinking: But Dave, I told my friends I would quit! Believe me, they don't want you to get your life together. The more fucked up you are, the better they look. If you become a decent human being, who will run the video camera when they get hammered and hump your dog?

It took me years of therapy and self-help books to realize that in order to change your life, you need a thing called 'willpower." I don't have it -- sorry Dr. Phil, Oprah, Jenny Craig and Bed Wetters Anonymous. But that's me. If you have willpower but still want to party, don't worry, I have a way for you to break your resolutions without really breaking them. This month is Dave Attell's birthday, and it's my birthday wish for you guys to go nuts. So pig out and light up (unless we're talking crack).

January is a hard month to have a birthday. It's freezing and it gets dark really early. I've never had a party outside. No barbecues, slippy slides, pony rides or pinatas. Every birthday party I ever had involved my parents taking me out for pizza and bowling. It was like living the life of an unemployed trucker. One year, we went to Chuck E. Cheese's and got snowed in. Can you imagine hearing that Happy Birthday song over and over? No wonder I drink. And any present I got, I couldn't use til the spring: Frisbees, baby turtles, even a bike. I bet Lance Armstrong would have quit if he'd had to learn to ride a bike wearing snow pants. I got a lot of puzzles and games:  Monopoly, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Operation. It was a geek festival. One year I received a Ouija board, which is great for a lonely fat kid. "Hey, you have no friends. Why not contact the devil?" It's all good fun till the walls start to bleed.

If you were born in January, you are probably a Capricorn. Astrology has been around for thousands of years. It was created by ancient philosophers to help predict the future, hit on women and then stalk them. It's all very hippiedippy stuff, with moons and stars and lucky charms that are magically delicious. All I know is that the symbol for Capricorn is the goat, which is not a sexy animal. I mean, I do have some goat qualities. I have facial hair, I stink, and I have been in a porno movie in Tijuana.

I know: What does this have to do with resolutions? Everything. OK, nothing. But it's good to get things off your chest. The best way to keep resolutions is to quit things you don't even do. Like horseback riding, yodeling or not hooking up with drunk bald men in bars. (Hint!) So party it up. If anybody gives you a hard time, tell 'em it's Dave Attell's birthday.