Liquid Wisdom

Dave, do you think we have forgotten what the holidays are really all about?

Every year around this time I always hear the same lameass stuff: Has Christmas gotten too commercial? Why is Hanukkah so long? What's Kwanzaa? If I'm a Scientologist, can I celebrate all three? Blah blah blah. If you're looking for the true holiday spirit, you should start drinking heavily. You're going to need a few in you to deal with the insanity at the mall as you wait in line for hours to buy something for a family member that you know they're only going to return. And it doesn't hurt to be a little hammered at your office Christmas party while you watch in horror as your boss karaokes to Kelly Clarkson and then chases you around smelling of eggnog and holding mistletoe over his crotch. Pretty scary. I need a drink just thinking about it.

But surely you like getting presents from people, right?

Sure, I loved getting presents, way back when people used to actually give presents. If you didn't like what you got, at least you could regift it. These days, people don't give you gifts. They give you some rinky-dink Christmas card with a note inside saying that $100 has been donated in your name to PETA. I hate that. I want to call the person who gave it to me and ask, "How do you know that I'm not profur? How do you know I didn't open your card while sitting in front of the TV in a fox stole, eating a veal cutlet?"

What about peace on earth and goodwill toward men?

Awww, would you like an appletini to go with that fruity question? I don't get it. All year long, we try to kill each other, and then we get a timeout because of Jesus' birthday. If you ask me, what this world really needs is a holiday that doesn't involve religion, kind of a religious Spring Break. Everybody gets to do what he or she is not allowed to do normally. Can you imagine it? Evangelicals using condoms and talking about evolution, ultra-orthodox Jewish people eating hot dogs and playing profes sional sports, Islamic extremists getting on airplanes and letting them land. It would be beautiful.

Speaking of evolution, should we teach intelligent design in public schools?

What a bunch of crap. These kids can barely spell evolution and we're telling them it's not real. Personally, I hope we are descended from apes, because they are hilarious. I went to a circus once, and I saw a monkey riding a bike and smoking a cigar at the same time. It reminded me of my dad. Anyway, intelligent design shouldn't be taught in school. I believe in the separation of church and state. Think of it like eyebrows on a woman. When they are apart, they look cool. But when they grow together, it's freaky, and you have to be really drunk to do her.

Do you have any closing thoughts on the holldays?

Yeah. Don't drink and drive. I know what you're thinking: It's late who am I gonna hit, another drunk driver? But that never happens. Just once, I would like to read in the paper: DRUNK DRIVER HITS OTHER DRUNK DRIVER AS PEDOPHILE DIES OF SHOCK.