Liquid Wisdom

THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: COLLEGE GRADUATION

All across America, millions of students are about to put away their bongs and Hacky Sacks and don caps and gowns for that time-honored rite of summer— graduation. For those of you who have never been to one, let me describe the scene: It’s 100 degrees in the shade as you file into an auditorium sweating your balls off under a polyester cape. Your mother and father are crying, because they know the $100,000 they spent on your degree in art history or modern jazz will only result in your moving back to your old room, which they have been using as an S&M dungeon for the past four years.

Next, the dean will introduce the valedictorian. This is usually some home-schooled freak who never curses, drinks or watches TV but can speak five languages. Either that or it’s some first-generation genius who will recount in broken English how her parents floated to America on a raft made of shoes so that she could grow up in the land of the free and live her dream of becoming a plastic surgeon.

The ceremony will conclude with a guest speaker, some well-known captain of industry or a celebrity. If you’re an Ivy Leaguer, it’ll be the vice president, Bill Gates or Oprah. If you’re graduating from Turnpike Tech, you’ll get me. Whoever it is will try to inspire you to dedicate your life to solving global warming, famine and disease. They will tell you that the greatest reward in life is not money or fame but helping your fellow man; then the dean will hand them an honorary degree and they’ll hop in a stretch limo and head back to their mansion.

Celebrities...what can’t they do in this country? They party nonstop, they get away with murder and receive free college degrees without ever cracking open a book. Sure, there are celebrities who do some good, and by that I mean releasing sex tapes on the Internet. (Scott Stapp, Kid Rock, Paris, your tireless efforts make the world a better place.) But if you’re going to have famous people speak at the graduation, at least have ones the kids can relate to—ones who are broke, high and desperate. How about Leif Garrett? He could tell the kids about the temptations of drugs and how important it is to have a good lawyer. Plus, you wouldn’t need to give him an honorary degree—just a ride and a sandwich.

Graduates don’t need speeches, they need jobs. The more mind-numbing, the better. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Dave, what do you know about working in an office? You spend your nights in comedy clubs and your days hung over. Well, I wasn’t always in show business. I’ve done my time working for The Man. Yes, years ago, back when I had hair, I was a temp. Every day from 9 to 5, I would type shit I didn’t understand, Xerox it and file it away. Being a temp is like being an extra in the world’s most boring movie. No one talks to you, and when someone goes postal, you’re always the first to get shot.

But I did learn some useful tidbits that I’ll pass along to those lucky enough to snag a cubicle prison: Making a fake phone call is a great way to cover a fart; porn does not make a good screen saver; and never call in sick when you’ve been up all night doing hallucinogenic drugs. Once, after doing magic mushrooms, I told my boss that I couldn’t come to work because a giant pencil was staring at me. I was fired.

So, I guess the best advice I can give to you graduates is to not leave school. Just keep going. Sure, grad school is like going to a party and staying way too late—your friends left, the booze is gone and that girl you’ve been making out with just threw up on your shirt— but, hey, it beats working. Good luck, graduates!